ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Randomize
