It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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