you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
