the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
