Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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