i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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