is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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