I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
