She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
