There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
