My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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