im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
