We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Terrible idea I love it
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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