So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
