your parents love me but you hate me
im having a threesome with these popsicles
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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