i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
