Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
