I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
porn star boner night. come get it.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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