Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
