I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
