I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
