so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
