Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Duck Duck Cougar?
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
