I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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