This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Vodka?
Forever.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
