When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
