New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
