Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
