Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
