I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
