I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
