I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
