Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
