It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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