But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
