Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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