I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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