hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
i now understand why vodka
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
