Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
