Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
my shit smells like andre
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
My vagina just recognized that song.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
