She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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