Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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