Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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