you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
