Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Dicks are not precious.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize