First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
