Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
