nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize