my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
