The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
