we have pet lesbian snakes
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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