she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
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two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
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I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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