my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
