I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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