I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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