i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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