8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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